A Letter to the Editor from Trebor BADWILL – The Fascist Fetish Party Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the Scarborough & Whitby constituency introduces himself and presents his case for election.
Please allow me to introduce myself to my victims.
Your readers will know of my economic policy. As a Fascist Fetishist and British self-servative, I feel it my duty to hitch-hike to Transylvania and back – and pocket the price of a first-class airfare. I see it as a challenge to make a profit out of the system.
I am a family man and nothing on my computer could truthfully be described as utterly disgusting, even by my wife – who I once mistook for a (£639) hatstand.
There are no skeletons in my cupboard. I did not go to school with Harvey Proctor, I have never attended a Leon Brittan party in Goathland, I have never licked an ice-cream in my life and I would not know a bent copper if I fell over one whilst out foxhunting.
Nevertheless, I believe I can say, with hand on heart, that I am a party man. I respond well to the whip – and the carrot.
As an absentee landlord, nothing is further from my thoughts than the common man, whose lot is shot if I catch him anywhere near my land.
With your support, I intend to take the high road to Westminster, albeit not the dual-carriageway that you all have not the tiniest scintilla in hell of a right to desire.
Without wishing to be too cryptic, I hope voters will respond positively to my intention to bury the opposition.
I leave you with this promise: wherever I wander – to Brussels; to St Kitts; to Rochdale to Bangkok – I will never miss so much as an Early Day Motion or a photo-opportunity in Whitby.
Trebor BADWILL, Out-of-Area. 1st April, 2015.